Why Wouldn’t Hermes be a UPS Driver??

May 15, 2023

Why Wouldn’t Hermes be a UPS Driver??

“Hermes” by John Rocco. Winged sandals are all well and good, but do you think the Gods can text??? (Relax, I’m just kidding).

One of the weird and wonderful things about growing up on a steady diet of mythology and folklore is that sometimes a random deity association pops into my head, and I have to ask myself-

“Where TF did that come from??”

Most of the time, Rick Riordan is to blame. Growing up, I read everything from Daulaires Book of Greek Myths to Norse Mythology by Neal Gaiman, but it was Riordan that left me with the most creative and memorable portrayals of the Many Gods (for better or for worse):

Medusa works at a lawn emporium.

Thor has figured out a way to access cable TV through His hammer, Mjolnir.

Tiberinus and Rhea Sylvia look like Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn.

Most pop culture portrayals are irreverent and silly, with few ties to actual spirituality or the practices of real-life Pagans. Yet, every so often, an everyday author strikes gold- like Riordan’s breathtaking portrayal of Artemis that inspired me to start praying to Her at age 10. And then we’re left with our foundations shaken, wondering if the Gods are less static than we thought.

For those who haven’t been obsessively following the new Percy Jackson adaptation coming to Disney + in 2024, Lin Manuel Miranda was cast as Hermes last November. At first I wasn’t sold. Then I watched His Dark Materials on HBO, where Lin Manuel Miranda guides a procession of souls to the afterlife. And my brain went,

Holy shit, it’s Hermes Psychopompos!

Other than forcing me to imagine Hermes with the voice of the Hamilton man, this casting gave me a small spiritual crisis- because Rick Riordan’s Hermes is so, well, modern. He runs a delivery service called The Hermes Express and his caduceus can transform into a cell phone.

Yeah. As a kid, I basically imagined him as the divine equivalent of a UPS driver.

I know that some polytheists are already shaking their heads at this point, but Hermes The UPS Driver actually brought up a lot of pressing questions that I can’t let go of.

Do the Gods change over time and take on new aspects?

If a deity appeared to us, would He/She/They be wearing modern clothes? (Remember that the ancients typically viewed their Gods as wearing their contemporary clothes).

Does our polytheist identity rely on replicating another era in order to feel spiritual/special? If so, what does that say about us- that we view Golden Age Athens or Pharaonic Egypt as more “sacred” than the 21st century U.S?

Even worse. When we dismiss UPG, are we polytheists any better than the fundamentalists who claim that revelation ended thousands of years ago?

Now, I try to never interpret the myths too literally, but let’s (hypothetically) consider that Gods can appear to us in the flesh. The uncomfortable truth is that if Demeter Melaina showed up at my hometown asking for hospitality, it’s unlikely that She would appear to me as an Ancient Greek woman in a mourning cloak. She’d be more likely more like an elderly homeless woman in a dark coat. And that means that we have to search for the Theoi in the eyes of strangers. If we pass by someone sleeping on the street on a cold winter’s night, are we failing our sacred duties of xenia? Are we “bad Hellenic Polytheists?”

I don’t know. But it makes me realize that if we truly want to honor Zeus Xenios and Hestia, we should start volunteering at soup kitchens instead of complaining about Their pop culture portrayals or arguing about the intricacies of Their ancient worship.

The other uncomfortable truth is that I could imagine Apollon in scrubs or Ares in a motorcycle jacket, but I feel more spiritual when I picture flowing robes and golden sandals. I take a lot of pride in worshipping Gods and Goddesses who were honored thousands of years ago. It’s just a matter of not letting my pride fossilize me into someone who can’t hear Their voices today.

I don’t want to be like the Christians who can see Jesus on a white horse but not in the suffering neighbor or the hungry stranger.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to diss reconstructionism or to argue for the complete replacement of our ancient traditions. Reconstructionism works. Researching ancient history and performing traditional rituals has been one of the most helpful parts of my spiritual practice. I just want to be honest about some of the thoughts that keep me up at night.