Seasonal Imposter Syndrome 🌒

~~🍁🍂🎃~~

While I was watching this gorgeous autumn equinox ritual, it finally hit me. Winter is coming in just a few short months. Persephone is leaving.

The darker months of the year are always hard on me. As someone who struggles with seasonal depression, I relate deeply to the myth of Demeter. Strangely enough, it was when I started following Persephone that I developed seasonal affective disorder. As a kid, winter was my favorite time of year because of the holidays, snow, and my birthday in Aquarius season.  

Now the lack of sunlight is devastating. 

I’ve always felt out of place among other devotees because I struggle to connect with Persephone’s chthonic aspect. The truth is, I’ve never encountered physical death (spiritual death is a different matter). I’m young and my life is just beginning. That’s why I feel out of place on Samhain.

For years, I struggled with imposter syndrome because I can’t wrap my head around death and I don’t have a relationship with Hades. I’ve met so many Pagans doing brilliant work with grief, healing, and end of life preparation… and my work is drastically different. I wear flowers in my long hair and channel the Korē.

The truth is that Gods have different facets and Their followers emphasize some aspects more than others. Plenty of people are honoring Persephone’s chthonic aspect, so maybe someone needs to focus on The Maiden. I’m at a stage in my life that’s very different than the adults around me. One day, when I grieve a physical death for the first time, my focus will evolve to fit a broader worldview. 

Some people find it easy to experience Persephone during the darker months. But no matter how many times I tried to reframe it, The Descent always feels like a terrible loss. That’s why I spend my autumns and winters with Demeter. Disconnected from the Goddess who’s been a part of my life since I was a child, I find comfort in mourning alongside Her mother. Yes, we know that Persephone will return, but Januaries seem to last forever. 

In fact- it was winter 2020, during a terrible bout of seasonal depression, that I first connected with Demeter. The cold months are my time to go in deep with Her. To quote “Winter Song” by Sarah Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson: 

I still believe in summer days/

the seasons always change/

and life will find a way. 

I’ll be your harvester of light/

and send it out tonight/

so we can start again. 

The Descent has begun. That’s what I’m grieving this Samhain season